The Jealous Boyfriend

Content note: The following section contains an abusive relationship and self-harm.

Since I was little, I have always been independent, too independent according to some.  My parents would help my older sister virtually every night with her school assignments.  Prior to high school, we both went to a private day school.  She was, for the most part, a straight A student and the teachers sung her praises.  I remember feeling that she had not really earned those top grades, but rather, my parents had.  I pushed back on them when they started academically smothering me.  I did my homework on my own, with the exception of my Physics class in the 8th grade, because I was struggling and my dad is a mechanical engineer.  I got some As, some Bs, and no Cs; however, my parents, particularly my mom, were disappointed.  They said I could do better.  Apparently I was better with them than without them.  Their perspectives have changed.  When my sister was my age, she made less money than I do now.  She bought her first home at 33 with her husband.  I am buying my first home now, less than a month shy of 30, single and on my own. 

I dated this guy, who we can call Dan.  He was a textbook asshole.  I met him when I was 25, and we were friends.  We started dating a year later, and the relationship ended when I was 28.  Although we knew each other for a year before dating, he had repeated fantasies that I was cheating on him.  I think my inherent independence fed into his delusions.

His accusations were based on little to no factual evidence.  Most people assume that if a guy is accusing you of cheating, he is cheating.  I have no idea whether or not Dan cheated on me and regardless of whether or not he did, I think he would still have been equally as paranoid.  In my opinion, it is better to assume that if a guy irrationally thinks you are in some way dishonest, he is also in some way dishonest. 

Every single day of our relationship, from day one, Dan accused me of cheating, or I could tell he was suspicious and about to pop off.  He had the usual jealous boyfriend requirements.  I had to cut off all of my guy friends and could never go out with my girl friends.  He was also jealous in the most stupid ways.  If I got a message from a recruiter on LinkedIn, he thought I was trying to find a sneaky way (versus texting or Facebook) to communicate with one of my previous flings, because according to him, I had almost a hundred of those.  He once found a condom he had used in the trash and because he was such a stoner and shatter head, he insisted someone else had used it.  We used condoms regularly and he would count them every day, which even my mom commented on, because if I was going to cheat, I would obviously not use the condoms Dan and I bought together.  Once he miscounted and immediately grabbed my throat and started choking me.  I begged him to count them again.  He realized his mistake and was apologetic, but also said “don’t think this gets you off for every other time”. 

I enjoy watching TV after my significant other has fallen asleep.  I think other women do as well.  I can watch my stupid televisions shows without someone talking or trying to cop a feel.  My ex would never fall asleep before me because he “knew” I would talk to guys and sometimes leave the apartment to see my alleged black lover, who was six plus feet tall and well endowed, but ugly and poorly educated.  I can see now the accusations were a way to control me and although I could write a book about his stupidity, he does not deserve the attention.

My ex was dishonest, but I can live with it.  He lied to me about his age.  He said we were the same age, but in fact, he was five years older.  We were together for over two years, but I did not find this out until about the last three months.  I wanted to book us plane tickets to Las Vegas as a surprise.  My dad was going to be there for a manufacturing show.  Dan was Arab and I wanted to make sure I had his full name and that it was spelled correctly on the plane ticket, so I looked in his wallet for his license and immediately noticed his birth date.  I did not get mad when I confronted him about it.  I was more than half the way fed up by then.  He said he lied because it felt “so good to say he was in his twenties again.  You will understand when you turn 30.  It is the worst feeling.”  My twenties were terrible for various reasons, but being with him for over two years did not help.  I currently stand on the cusp of 30 and have never felt more grounded in my life. 

The night Dan and I broke up was the night one of the attorneys I worked for at my previous law firm died.  I really loved and admired him, as did most of Montgomery County.  I was driving back from DC, where I had just picked up an ounce from a guy I have known since college, who of course Dan always thought I was fucking.  I told him exactly what I was doing and he told me he would call when he was on his way over.  When I arrived home, Dan was waiting for me in his car outside of my apartment building’s garage.  He had not called to tell me he was on his way.  I pulled into the garage and he followed me to my spot on the third level.  Guest parking is on the first level, where he always parked.  Once I parked, he blocked my car with his, got out, and immediately wanted to see the bud I had gotten – in the open, in my garage, where there are cameras.  I knew what he was thinking already before he said “You went to go see someone”.  He was so reliably unoriginal and stupid.  I knew showing him the bud in the garage would not quash his suspicions, because this was not about fidelity, but about control.  He would move on to another one of his usuals, accusing me of fucking my pot dealer and friend.  I had spent the previous evening with my boss’ family at the hospital, where he lay unconscious due to complications after triple bypass surgery.  His family let me and in fact wanted me to see him.  He looked swollen, with a blue tint in his skin.  His entire body moved upwards, almost like he was possessed, each time the breathing machine pushed air into his lungs.  It was too much and I. FUCKING. SNAPPED.  Who the fuck did this guy think he was, to be standing here telling me I am shady, untrustworthy, and a whore, when I had never cheated on him, while someone close to me is probably dying?  I told him to leave or I would call the Police. 

During one of his tirades of accusations, I remember realizing that it was impossible to definitively prove something did not happen or exist, just that it did.  I grabbed a clothing iron and started banging my head with it.  He was setting me up for failure. This way, he would never have to put in the effort or be man enough to treat me the way I really deserve.  Life with him felt like someone was beating me over the head and because it was so illogical, I started doing it to myself.  Dan caught this on video because he is a bastard in every way possible.  He always threatened to “send it to every law firm in the DMV area and you’ll never work again”.  He made this usual threat and told me he would tell the Police I had an ounce.  I told him that “I know for a fact that besides the fact that marijuana is decriminalized in Maryland, the police will overlook the bud in a domestic abuse case, and this is a prima facie example of one, so go ahead and send that video to wherever, because then you will really be digging yourself into a legal nightmare grave, you heaping piece of shit”. 

Eventually he left and unlike all the other times, I did not let him come back.  I did not call him crying, telling him I love him.  I was doing everyone a disservice by staying in a relationship that was not healthy and would not last.  I was better without him than with him. 

Dan – You would think I am writing about you. 

P.S. IDGAF.